And Finally Artist News Beef Of The Week

CMU Beef Of The Week #118: Dangerous clothing v celeb private parts

By | Published on Friday 13 July 2012

Katy Perry

Katy Perry and her ex Russell Brand were both in the news this week due to the risks they face from their clothing. Sorry, perhaps I should have written ‘the news’ in inverted commas there. Whatever, let’s continue.

First, a story about Katy Perry’s bra. And we all love one of those, don’t we? Anyway. The ‘Teenage Dream’ popstar has informed The Sun – ever the specialists in boob-related gossip – that insurers have urged her to abandon an item of her on-stage attire, that being an electric spinning candy bra, over concerns for her health… and hair.

“I keep being told the insurers are worried I will injure my neck”, she tells the tabloid, adding: “I seriously doubt it could be lethal, but they want a new bra designed that will not allow my hair to be caught up”.

To be fair, it does sound like the insurers have a reason to worry. While Perry’s array of on-stage wigs usually escape unscathed, the singer admits she isn’t always so lucky: “My hair got caught in the wheels of my spinning peppermint bra and began to coil around and around. I’m forced to just go with it so, by the end of the song, it looked quite like I was licking my own tit. What a girl does for her art”.

A source added: “Insurers don’t care about the art or the fun – just the dangers”.

If dangerous clothes are on the agenda, maybe the insurers should start fretting about skinny jeans, because they are currently threatening future generations of hipsters by making their wearers infertile. So said the Daily Mail this week, anyway, warning that these unsafe trousers could lead to “groin discomfort”, “bladder troubles” or “a twisted testicle”. Ouch. The paper seems to have a bit of an obsession with this topic, having covered it back in May too. And on both occasions it focussed on Perry’s ex-husband Russell Brand’s twisted testicles. Er, so to speak.

Actually, this week The Mail was commending Brand for being seen out wearing some loose fitting trousers. “Perhaps the comedian and actor was taking preventative action against revelations that skinny jeans could be bad for your health if you’re a man”, the paper said.

But what evidence of the problem? Well, listen to 27 year old sales executive James Coleman, who told the tabloid: “I bought my pair of skinny jeans because they were fashionable, I’d recently moved to London where every street feels like a catwalk so I wanted to look good. My friends used to joke I looked like something out of The Wanted or One Direction but I didn’t take notice”.

Tight trousers or not, it would take a pretty long stretch of the imagination to say that James looked like a member of a boyband. Sorry, James. But that’s not the point. The point is that James soon found himself “going to the toilet more frequently than normal”.

So, cast aside any spinning bras you may own. And burn those skinny jeans. The future is baggy linen, my friends. It’s the only way we can ensure our safety and the future of our species. If only they’d known this sooner, may Katy and Russell would still be together.