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Ellie Goulding becomes co-owner of hard seltzer company Served

By | Published on Wednesday 9 June 2021

Ellie Goulding

Ellie Goulding has acquired a “significant stake” in British hard seltzer company Served. Announcing the news, she talked up the company’s health and environmental credentials.

What is hard seltzer though? Fizzy water, mate. But with booze. It’s a drink for people who want to get off their face but are concerned about putting on weight.

Alcoholic drinks are generally full of calories, see? You’ve heard of beer bellies, yeah? Beer makes you fat. And all those alcopops you like to drink? So much sugar. What you need is alcoholic water to make sure you look good while tripping over some bins and vomiting on a stray dog at 4am.

I’m sure Goulding and Served would like me to stress that their incredibly healthy drink should only ever be consumed responsibly. That’s not my job though. Also, I’m absolutely hammered. So I’ll just let them talk for a bit while I rest on this sink.

“[I] immediately fell in love with the brand”, says Goulding of her tie-up with Served. “Not only because it’s the best hard seltzer I’ve tasted by quite some margin, but also because this is a brand driven by care and respect for the natural world at this crucial point”.

“I’ve always enjoyed a social drink with friends, but I also lead a busy lifestyle and I am passionate about my health, fitness, and the environment”, she goes on. “Served is a brand that allows me to have it all – a delicious and refreshing alcoholic drink without all the calories, sugar and bad stuff”.

Contrary to popular opinion, apparently alcohol doesn’t count among the “bad stuff” you might find in a drink. There is a sort of bad stuff in Served though. Though bad stuff that it’s good to use. Which turns the bad stuff into good stuff. I think. Basically, the company flavours its drinks with fruit that supermarkets refuse to buy because it’s the wrong shape.

“We are going to take on some of the biggest brands on the planet, but do it our way”, Goulding goes on. “We refuse to compromise on quality nor the health of the natural world. We use ‘wonky fruit’ as an intervention on food waste, the most innovative ecological packaging materials we can think of, and we will support habitats, people and animals on the frontline of the nature crisis”.

“We will continue to be 100% transparent. Oh, and we’ll do all this while having fun and building an awesome brand with awesome people”, she concludes.

Wow, that was quite a lot of information there. I hope we have space for all the stuff co-founder Dean Ginsberg has to say about his company. “We are THRILLED to welcome Ellie as a co-owner of Served and excited to build a global brand alongside her”, says he.

“Ellie embodies everything that we stand for at Served, and she will be an integral part of the brand as we continue to grow. We are excited to be working with such great partners who share our enthusiasm and vision for the brand, and we look forward to introducing Served to more people up and down the country and across Europe this summer”.

Sure Dean, but what about the US? Why aren’t you interested in the US? “The US is the single largest hard seltzer market globally by a significant margin, so it is a market we are interested in and one we will keep a close eye on for the future”. Ah, alright then.

Right, I’m off to fizz up some more ethanol in my SodaStream. Something else I’ll probably have to point out is a bad idea. Are you reading this, SodaStream lawyers? I said it was a bad idea!

I guess my hopes of getting a pop star to invest in my drinks company are out of the window. I mean, that company is currently more of a trestle table on the pavement, but we all need a leg up, don’t we? I want to get in on the healthy booze revolution! A pint of fizzy booze water flavoured with wonky apples a day keeps the doctor away. That’s what they always say, isn’t it?