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Gary Lineker denies Glastonbury crisp copulation claim

By Andy Malt | Published on Wednesday 3 May 2017

Gary Lineker’s attempting to worm his way out of claims that he regularly has sexual intercourse with crisps. This despite him admitting to it at least twice last year.

With the biased mainstream media refusing to take up the story, all this was first brought to light on one of the many flags blocking the view of the Pyramid Stage at Glastonbury back in 2014. “Gary Lineker shags crisps”, it said.

In an interview in the new issue of OK! Magazine, Lineker tried to play down the rumours, saying: “There was a big banner at Glastonbury once saying, ‘Gary Lineker shags crisps. But I honestly don’t”.

What is it they say about protesting too much? “They would just crumble anyway”, he added, letting a glint of the truth shine through.

The story died out somewhat after the Glastonbury revelation, but was revived again last year when an unflinching citizen journalist had ‘Gary Lineker shags crisps’ tattooed on his arse. The viral story went that this was done while the man was drunk, but I think we all know that detail was added simply to add an extra frisson to the tale.

Lineker responded to the story at the time by saying “I’m not sure it’s even possible. Goodness knows, I’ve tried!” This fits with a tweet some months earlier, when he said: “I really don’t. Tried a couple of times but they just break”.

Just because you were unsuccessful, doesn’t mean you didn’t do it, Gary. I mean, just because Maroon 5 are yet to write a good song doesn’t mean they aren’t songwriters.

Anyway, the world will be watching the flags of Glastonbury closely next month to see what new revelations come to light. And also because all those flags are in the fucking way.