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Lewis Capaldi launches pizza company, Big Sexy Pizza

By | Published on Thursday 29 September 2022

Lewis Capaldi and his Big Sexy Pizza

Sourdough. You all started making it in lockdown, didn’t you? You got hold of a starter from somewhere. Maybe you fermented one yourself, or found it in a ditch or something. Then you baked like your life depended on it. And what did you do then? You posted pictures on social media, didn’t you?

But not one of you – not fucking one of you – thought to turn that hobby into a frozen pizza business with repeat orders from two nationwide supermarket chains. And that’s why none of you will ever even be half the person Lewis Capaldi is. You sicken me.

I mean, for fuck’s sake, when the second lockdown lifted you stopped making bread altogether, didn’t you? That hobby you were so proud of, you dropped it like a stone. Or an overbaked loaf. Just fucking gave up on it the moment we were allowed back in the pub again. And I think that says a lot about your priorities. Just a lot about you as a person in general, in fact. And yes, I am still talking to all of you. Un-fucking-believable.

Right, anyway, I’m supposed to be telling you about these pizzas that Lewis Capaldi has been making. It’s just that, right, yes, I know people had a lot of time on their hands in lockdown and baking filled some of that time. It’s only bread though. I don’t know why you were so amazed that following a bread recipe resulted in you having bread in your house. It’s just bread. Just because you made it by rotting some flour in a cup doesn’t make you special. You still didn’t start a pizza business, did you?

Lewis Capaldi did though. A pizza business! And he’s not selling those pizzas out of the back of his car at a farmers market like you probably would, if you even had one morsel of ingenuity or ambition. No, he’s selling them in Tesco AND Iceland. So straight off he’s got the low and middle ends of the market covered. Not like you.

Right, you can stop that now. No, I didn’t make any fucking sourdough in lockdown. And no, I don’t think that reflects on me badly, actually. What did I do in lockdown? I worked, mate. Worked at my job. Wrote all this shit, which you then didn’t read because you were off making your twelfth fucking sourdough of the day. Dropping hot loaves straight into the bin because you’d made too much. So, no, I didn’t take up baking as a new hobby in lockdown.

Also, I own a breadmaker. You can buy breadmakers now, you idiots. Drop the ingredients in, turn it on, come back later and there’s a loaf of bread just sitting there for you. Why would I do all the hard work myself when I have a breadmaker sitting right there taking up valuable space on the countertop? Think about it. Just for a fucking second.

Anyway, yeah, Lewis Capaldi. He’s made some pizzas. “I think lockdown spurred on a lot of ideas for a lot of people”, he says in a video promoting these pizzas of his. “And I turned to sourdough. Sourdough is my solace. The cogs started turning and I thought, pizzas could be my true calling”.

Look, no, you’re right, my breadmaker doesn’t do sourdough. Fuck sourdough though. It’s not all that.

“It took a while, it was a lot of trial and error”, Capaldi continues. “Eventually that spark just ignited and I stumbled upon greatness. I want to give these pizzas the best chance they can to succeed, I’ll be doing cooking shows, chat shows, you’ll be seeing a lot of the big cheese”.

I know this all sounds like a big hoax. And Capaldi’s video announcing it doesn’t really help that. Neither does the fact that his company is called Lewis Capaldi’s Big Sexy Pizza. They really are for sale in Tesco and Iceland though, I promise you. A fiver each, they are. Quite reasonable. If you like buying frozen pizza, like a fucking sheep.

I don’t want to brag, but I make my own pizzas. Make up my own dough from scratch every Friday and make pizzas for the whole family. Yes, by “from scratch” I do mean I throw all the ingredients in the breadmaker and press the start button. I’m just doing what any normal human being would do. What, you think they’re hand making the dough in those pizza restaurants you like to go to? Those ‘chefs’ are just actors. They just kneed the same ball of dough all night – occasionally throw it in the air – while machines do the real work.

No, I didn’t start my own pizza company off the back of all this either, but I think I mentioned earlier that I’ve been very busy. Anyway, if you want to see why you’re an utter failure, you can have a look at Capaldi’s completely fake-looking – but absolutely not fake – pizza company website here.

I think I got all the relevant information across in this article. Just in case any of it wasn’t clear: you absolutely fucking sicken me.