And Finally Artist News

Mariah Carey probably didn’t throw a laptop out of a window

By | Published on Thursday 25 August 2016

Mariah Carey

In an old job I used to have, I used to joke that the reason we couldn’t open the windows in our office was the stop us all from throwing the crappy laptops they gave us out of them*. That’s just the sort of wit that makes me a delight to work with. And it’s also one of the many ways Mariah Carey and I are similar, in that we both haven’t thrown any laptops out of any windows.

But that’s not what gossip website The Fix was claiming earlier this week. It wasn’t alleging anything regarding me chucking a laptop out of a building – so full marks for accuracy there – but it did say that Carey recently threw fiancé James Packer’s laptop out of a window because he played a Beyonce song on it.

“To get her in the mood last month, he turned on ‘Crazy In Love’, and oh boy, was that a disaster”, an anonymous source told the website. “Mariah threw the computer that was playing it via speakers out the window! Seriously, just trashed it. She ran out of the room screaming. So the night was obviously finished for James, and they retreated to separate parts of the house. And she had a few glasses of wine to cool down”.

It’s not just Beyonce whose music is banned when Carey is in the house, added the source. They went on: “He put on five bars of [Jennifer Lopez’s] ‘Waiting For Tonight’, and Mariah coughed out her courgette at dinner, so James made a beeline for the Spotify and immediately put on Mariah’s greatest hits! He has learned never, ever to play another female artist in the house. It’s either Mariah, jazz or classical!”

I’ll tell you what, it’s a real shame this source is anonymous, because they deserve full credit for adding the detail about the courgette there. It was worth making this whole thing up just for that.

Because it is all made up, you know. A spokesperson for the singer told GossipCop that the whole story is “false”. It’s not clear whether or not Carey and Packer have eaten courgettes together, though. Or whether she has switched from calling them zucchinis out of respect for his Australia heritage. Maybe it’s the other way around. Why is no one asking these important questions?

* It was actually to do with ensuring the efficiency of the air condition system, something I understand Mariah Carey is a big fan of.