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Mattel announces David Bowie Barbie

By | Published on Friday 12 July 2019

Toy maker Mattel has announced a new David Bowie-themed Barbie doll, marking the 50th anniversary of the release of the musician’s 1969 single ‘Space Oddity’. That was yesterday, if you were wondering. Yes, we’re now into that song’s sixth decade, because you are old.

I feel you’re all waiting for me to mock this Bowie-based Barbie doll now. But, I don’t know, it kind of seems OK. In a world full of shitty things that companies sell to children, this is not all that bad. Actually, it might be quite a nice item for a parent to give to a child.

Except this obviously isn’t aimed at children. This is for the increasingly large market of grown-ups who think owning this sort of thing for themselves – THEMSELVES – is acceptable. See also the insane amount of stuff Lego makes for you people.

We’re talking about toys – TOYS – that are purchased so that they can be kept on shelves and never touched. Admit it, you have a shelf in your house full of novelty items still in their boxes and you weep if a child so much as looks at them.

Children don’t give a shit about David Bowie. Not even one shit. Nor do they care about any of the other artists who have been made into dolls as part of Mattel’s celebrity collection. These include Frank Sinatra, Diana Ross, Barbra Streisand, a Tim McGraw and Faith Hill set, and no less than four – FOUR – Cher dolls. Who needs four Cher dolls? No one.

The blurb for the Bowie doll states: “In a definitive celebration of two pop culture icons, Barbie honours the ultimate pop chameleon, English singer, songwriter and actor David Bowie, whose dramatic musical transformations continue to influence and inspire. With a career spanning over five decades, David Bowie was at the vanguard of contemporary culture as a musician, artist, and icon”.

“He was, and remains to be, a unique presence in contemporary culture”, it goes on. “Dressed as Bowie’s fantastic sci-fi alter ego, Ziggy Stardust, in the iconic metallic ‘space suit’, this collectible Barbie doll honours the cultural legacy of the musical genius who redefined rock and roll”.

If you’re still thinking, even after all that, ‘hey, this might be fun for a child’, let me also point out that in the box you will find a doll stand. What child has any use for a doll stand? It should come with felt tips that can be used to draw on the doll’s face and scissors with which to haphazardly cut off all its hair.

Also, if you’re going to mark the anniversary of ‘Space Oddity’, why dress the doll as Ziggy Stardust? ‘Space Oddity’ wasn’t part of the Ziggy Stardust thing. Why not wait for the 50th anniversary of Ziggy Stardust in 2022? It’s not that long. Make another Cher doll instead, if you need something to occupy your fucked-up mind for the next three years. Or you could just fuck off. That might be better. Everyone just fuck off.