And Finally Artist News Beef Of The Week

Beef Of The Week #355: 2017 Miley Cyrus v 2013 Miley Cyrus

By | Published on Friday 19 May 2017


You remember back in 2013 when everyone had an opinion on Miley Cyrus? Well, you know who’s only just getting around to jumping on that bandwagon now? Miley Cyrus.

Now back with new music, and a new image, Cyrus is somewhat bemused by herself of four years ago, when she was the party girl who rarely had her tongue in her mouth.

There were many things that Cyrus did in 2013 that made headlines, though the defining and most enduring point in all of it was the release of the ‘Wrecking Ball’ video.

You remember, Terry Richardson directed a clip in which Miley swung around naked on a wrecking ball. And also licked a hammer. In making metaphors real terms, it was quite a piece of work. So much so, that you still remember it over that song she wrote about pissing herself in a car.

Cyrus remembers it too. And she remembers that you remember it. And remembering this doesn’t make her entirely happy.

“That’s something you can’t take away – swinging around naked on a wrecking ball lives forever”, Miley joked on the Zach Sang Show. “Once you do that [it] lives forever. I’m never living that down. I will always be the naked girl on a wrecking ball. No matter how much I just frolic with Emu, I’m always just the naked girl on a wrecking ball”.

Emu is Miley Cyrus’ dog, by the way. You didn’t miss any videos of her running around with giant birds. Probably a good thing, those emus can be vicious. They might kick you to death if they feel threatened by you. They also sometimes eat people’s jewellery. Or so I learned from a cursory and entirely unnecessary web search I just did about the dangers of frolicking with emus.

I even knew that Miley was talking about her dog, but the intrigue just the thought of frolicking with an emu brought about in me was too strong. And now I have passed that information on to you. Which entirely justifies my suddenly deciding to do emu research at work. Be wary of emus, people. And probably ostriches too.

Holy shit, yes, I just looked up ostriches. Those things are way worse than emus. Print out this handy guide I just found for escaping being killed by one and study it carefully. I pray none of us ever actually need to use it.

Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, Miley Cyrus. She came in like a wrecking ball. Like a wrecking ball that she was literally sitting on. Literally sitting on it naked. And then there was that incident with the hammer.

“I just licked the sledgehammer”, she continued. “I should have thought how long that was going to follow me around. That’s my worst nightmare – that being played at my funeral. ‘We’ll always remember Miley’, and then that”.

Well, I think what we’ve learned here is that no matter how far you deviate from thinking about Miley Cyrus swinging naked on a wrecking ball and licking a hammer – even if distracted by fears of being smashed to death by giant birds – your thoughts will always return to that subject.

Even after human civilisation is destroyed – possibly by ostriches – that memory will hang in the air to be discovered by some alien race. It will be the one thing the defines our entire existence. In a way, we are all swinging naked on a wrecking ball.