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CMU Beef Of The Week #191: Justin Bieber v God

By | Published on Friday 24 January 2014


So, while we were all praying for egg assassin Justin Bieber yesterday, he was out (allegedly) drinking, taking drugs and drag racing. The three Ds. As a result, the police arrested him, something he seemed rather pleased about. Look at his cheeky little face in this mugshot.

Anyway, in the early hours of Thursday morning, police spotted two Lamborghinis speeding down a road near Miami Beach, apparently racing each other. When stopped by police, he asked, “Why did you stop me?” Then, when asked to get out of the car, “Why the fuck are you doing this?” A police report notes that officers “immediately smelled an odour of alcohol emanating from the driver’s breath and bloodshot eyes”. And you know someone is really drunk when there’s a smell emanating from their eyes.

Coaxed out, Bieber was made to stand with his hands on his car while he was searched. Insisting that he “ain’t got not fucking weapons” and that no search was necessary, he was told that if he took his hands off the car before the search was complete, he would be arrested. See if you can guess what happened next.

If you guessed that he took his hands off the car and turned around, you win the chance to look at that mugshot again. Well done. Bonus points if you also thought he might have resisted arrest a little too.

He was charged with driving under the influence of alcohol, marijuana and prescription drugs, plus resisting arrest and driving with an expired licence, before being released on $2500 bail, paid for by his manager Scooter Braun. The driver of the other car, singer Khalil, was also arrested and charged with DUI.

Braun later tweeted a message to Bieber, saying: “[I] love you and I will act in the manner of someone who truly cares. That is all I have to say. Thanks for all those concerned”.

All of which just goes to show that none of us were praying hard enough, even after the singer’s mother asked us so nicely. Well, either that or the idea that praying could affect any sort of change at all is utter nonsense. If only the Lord would give us a sign so we know whether to bother or not.

While we wait for that, we can bring you the news that there have already been devastating consequences from Bieber’s latest run in with the law. Previously a hub of pro-Bieber activity (possibly), it seems that Gloucestershire is now turning against him. Upon learning the news of the pop tyke’s arrest, The Gloucestershire Echo hit the streets to quiz Beliebers on their views, and it wasn’t good news for Justin. One sixteen year old said: “I’m ashamed to say I’m a fan of Justin now. To think he might have done something so dangerous does make me question whether I still want to listen to his music”.

Rock and roll, eh? I just wonder what Anne Frank would make of all this.