And Finally Artist News Releases

Gene Simmons will hand deliver his new boxset to your door (for $50,000)

By | Published on Thursday 14 September 2017

Gene Simmons

Gene Simmons – out of the goodness of his heart – has decided that it’s time for all of the solo recordings he never thought worth releasing publicly at any point in the last five decades to be made public. And all he wants in return is thousands of your dollars.

‘The Vault’ box set will contain 150 “deeply personal” songs recorded between 1966 and 2016, featuring “notable rock and roll artists” as well as Simmons’ Kiss bandmates. It also comes with a Gene Simmons action figure, a commemorative coin, a book and something he grabbed out of his own archive, all sealed in a box that looks like a safe. What’s more, if you want it, you have to look Simmons dead in the eye as he hands it over to you.

Yes, that’s right, Gene Simmons is hand delivering all of these. Because who trusts the postal system anymore? Please note though, this comes at quite a premium.

Your cheapest option is to attend one of several playback parties around the world, where the man himself will play some of his favourite tracks, do a Q&A, shove the boxset into your hands and then get the hell out of there. This will only cost you $2000, plus whatever travel costs you incur.

But who wants to sit around with a load of smelly, albeit it reasonably wealthy, Gene Simmons fans? Much better would be to just hang out with Simmons alone. Maybe in a recording studio. Don’t worry, he’s thought of that. For just $25,000, you and a friend can sit in a recording studio with Gene for an hour and listen to a few of the songs. You’ll also get an Executive Producer credit on the boxset. Again, any extra costs incurred, for example travel and accommodation, will be your responsibility.

What if you can’t or won’t travel though? Say you don’t like going outside, or you’re under house arrest. Are you to be denied the chance of owning this momentous record release? No, of course not (so long as you’re based in the US, excluding Alaska and Hawaii). For just $50,000, Gene Simmons will travel to your actual house and kick it through the door. He’ll also hang around for a couple of hours to chat. What’s more, you can invite 25 guests, who you could then charge $2000 each to get in, meaning it wouldn’t cost you anything. Though then it would be just like one of the aforementioned listening parties, except you’d have to provide the refreshments.

I know what you’re thinking. Couldn’t you just get him to clean your house for the two hours, so to get a return on your investment? No, the terms and conditions prohibit this. “The Demon does not do housework, including windows”.

If the thought of being near Gene Simmons strikes fear and terror into your heart, you can actually just have the box set posted to you. It’ll still cost two grand though. All the details are here.