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It’s official, Bieber has spoken and “hell is Instagram”

By | Published on Thursday 1 December 2016

Justin Bieber

Sorry Sartre, “hell is other people” was a nice line and all that, but you’re wrong. Hell, it turns out, is Instagram. I have this on very good authority indeed: from the mouth of the pop messiah himself, Master Justin Bieber. True, he then footnoted his messianic fact with a 10% margin of error. But in this post-fact age, a 90% fact is pretty good going I reckon. Especially when it comes from such a holy source.

“Who thinks I should get my Instagram back?” the Biebster asked fans at the final date of his European tour in London this week. They just screamed, disobeying the First Commandment Of Bieber, which wasn’t a very good strategy if said fans were hoping to persuade their pop god to return to the picture-posting social network that he decided to shun back in August.

“Nah, I don’t want to get my Instagram back”, he countered. “I think hell is Instagram”, he then declared, in what some scholars are already dubbing the Revelation Of Bieber. Though he then added “I’m 90% sure”, a statement likely to keep the theologians debating for decades to come. But, despite that glimmer of doubt, he nevertheless concluded: “We get sent to hell, we get like locked in the Instagram server”. Good to know.

The singer then threatened to spend his Christmas break taking loads of photos and not sharing any of them with his fans. But will he really be able to resist the temptation to post just one little pic onto the net once he has more time on his hands? That, I guess, will be the Last Temptation Of Bieber. After which, I think, Armageddon can begin, and given the events of 2016, I think we can all agree that’s something to look forward to.