The customary BRITs write up (non-ITV approved version)

By | Published on Thursday 26 February 2015

Tracey Emin BRIT Award

Don’t worry, the official version of this story went through the ITV profanity filter before appearing in the CMU Daily. Though for those who like their ‘comedy BRIT reports’ uncut…

So fuckers, it was the motherfucking BRITs last night, and what a fucking fucked-up fuckfest it was, as the fucking great and the fucking good of the motherfucking world of fucking music fucked up to that fucking tent in fucking Greenwich to say “fuck yeah, music is the fuck”.

But which fucking fuckers fucked off with the big fucking prizes, that’s what you motherfuckers want to know. Well, fuck me if wasn’t all about Ed Fucking Sheeran and Sam Fucking Smith.

The former fucker fucked off with not only Best Fucking Male, but also the fucking prize that every fucker at the fucking BRITs keeps fucking insisting is the big fuck of the fucking night, just because it’s sponsored by the fuckers at fucking Mastercard, Best Fucking Album.

Sam Fucking Smith, meanwhile, fucked off with the fucking Breakthrough award and the fucking made-up Global Fucking Success prize, which is slightly fucked up, given the fucking IFPI definitely said four other British fuckers had more fucking global success in the last fucking year, but what the fuck do they fucking know? Fucking IFPI.

But hey, enough fucking awards, what about the fucking performances. Well, there was Taylor Fucking Swift. And Take Fucking That. And Royal Fucking Blood. And George Fucking Ezra. Though who stole the fucking show? Only that fucking fuck Madonna. She knows her fuck. If you want to fucking dominate the fucking headlines in fucking 2015, fall down some fucking stairs. Take note all you young fuckers. It sounds fucked up, but to fucking fuck the other fuckers, you need to fuck up.

Though Kanye Fucking West’s fucking stint stood the fuck out too, but only if you were fucking watching the fucking show at home on fucking ITV, who fucked it all up by fucking muting the whole fucking thing, even though it fucking aired after the fucking watershed. Fuckers. Though it was mainly the fucking n-word that resulted in the fucking fuck-up, which is fucking understandable I suppose, I mean, we’re not using the fucking n-word here are we, because that would be fucking fucked up. And you can fuck off if you think we’re going to fucking fuck up.

Though given every fucker surely fucking knew that fucking ITV would be fucking scared of the fucking n-word, to the extent they’d fucking fuck up the whole fucking thing, which fucktard thought it would be a fucking good idea to have that Kanye fucker fucking performing his new n-word filled fuck-off of a track. He probably just wanted to fucking grab the fucking headlines. Well, fuck off Kanye. If you want the fucking headlines, fall down some fucking stairs.

Of course, while fucking Madonna and fucking Kanye Fucking West dominated the fucking tweets, the fuckers online were also busy fucking voting for the fucked up Best Fucking Video prize. Fucking voting on fucking Twitter for fucks sake. It just fucking means the fucking prize goes to One Fucking Direction. Who couldn’t even be fucking bothered to fuck up to the fucking show to pick the fucker up. I mean fuck off, they didn’t even fucking send in a fucking video message. What a bunch of lazy fucked-up fucking fuckers.

But anyway, enough motherfucking reportage, let’s get to the fucking business of the fucking list. You know, the fucking list that fucking lists the fucking cunts who won…

British Male Artist: Ed Sheeran
British Female Artist: Paloma Faith
British Group: Royal Blood
International Male Artist: Pharrell Williams
International Female Artist: Taylor Swift
International Group: Foo Fighters

British Breakthrough Act: Sam Smith
BRITs Global Success Award: Sam Smith
Critics Choice: James Bay
British Producer Of The Year: Paul Epworth

British Single: Mark Ronson ft Bruno Mars – Uptown Funk
British Album of The Year: Ed Sheeran – X
British Artist Video Award: One Direction