Artist News Awards

The customary ******* BRITs write up

By | Published on Thursday 26 February 2015

Tracey Emin BRIT Award

So, time for the customary BRITs write up, but worry not people, this report has been through the ITV profanity filter three times and has been censored to fully comply with mainstream telly standards.

So *******, it was the ************* BRITs last night, and what a ******* ******-** ****fest it was, as the ******* great and the ******* good of the ************* world of ******* music ****** up to that ******* tent in ******* Greenwich to say “**** yeah, music is the ****”.

But which ******* ******* ****** off with the big ******* prizes, that’s what you ************* want to know. Well, **** me if wasn’t all about Ed ******* Sheeran and Sam ******* Smith.

The former ****** ****** off with not only Best ******* Male, but also the ******* prize that every ****** at the ******* BRITs keeps ******* insisting is the big **** of the ******* night, just because it’s sponsored by the ******* at ******* Mastercard, Best ******* Album.

Sam ******* Smith, meanwhile, ****** off with the ******* Breakthrough award and the ******* made-up Global ******* Success prize, which is slightly ****** up, given the ******* IFPI definitely said four other British ******* had more ******* global success in the last ******* year, but what the **** do they ******* know? ******* IFPI.

But hey, enough ******* awards, what about the ******* performances? Well, there was Taylor ******* Swift. And Take ******* That. And Royal ******* Blood. And George ******* Ezra. Though who stole the ******* show? Only that ******* **** Madonna. She knows her ****. If you want to ******* dominate the ******* headlines in ******* 2015, fall down some ******* stairs. Take note all you young *******. It sounds ****** up, but to ******* **** the other *******, you need to **** up.

Though Kanye ******* West’s ******* stint stood the **** out too, but only if you were ******* watching the ******* show at home on ******* ITV, who ****** it all up by ******* muting the whole ******* thing, even though it ******* aired after the ******* watershed. *******. Though it was mainly the ******* n-word that resulted in the ******* ****-**, which is ******* understandable I suppose, I mean, we’re not using the ******* n-word here are we, because that would be ******* ****** up. And you can **** off if you think we’re going to ******* **** up.

Though given every ****** surely ******* knew that ******* ITV would be ******* scared of the ******* n-word, to the extent they’d ******* **** up the whole ******* thing, which ******** thought it would be a ******* good idea to have that Kanye ****** ******* performing his new n-word filled ****-*** of a track? He probably just wanted to ******* grab the ******* headlines. Well, **** off Kanye. If you want the ******* headlines, fall down some ******* stairs.

Of course, while ******* Madonna and ******* Kanye ******* West dominated the ******* tweets, the ******* online were also busy ******* voting for the ****** up Best ******* Video prize. ******* voting on ******* Twitter for ***** sake. It just ******* means the ******* prize goes to One ******* Direction. Who couldn’t even be ******* bothered to **** up to the ******* show to pick the ****** up. I mean **** off, they didn’t even ******* send in a ******* video message. What a bunch of lazy ******-** ******* *******.

But anyway, enough ************* reportage, let’s get to the ******* business of the ******* list. You know, the ******* list that ******* lists the ******* ***** who won…

British Male Artist: Ed Sheeran
British Female Artist: Paloma Faith
British Group: Royal Blood
International Male Artist: Pharrell Williams
International Female Artist: Taylor Swift
International Group: Foo Fighters

British Breakthrough Act: Sam Smith
BRITs Global Success Award: Sam Smith
Critics Choice: James Bay
British Producer Of The Year: Paul Epworth

British Single: Mark Ronson ft Bruno Mars – Uptown Funk
British Album of The Year: Ed Sheeran – X
British Artist Video Award: One Direction

PS: If you want to see what this report would have looked like performed live click here. Though don’t get offended. Just remember, these are the lengths we’ll go to at CMU to ensure the safe delivery of even the weakest gags.