Sugababes vocalist Mutya Buena has apologised for her band’s part in increasing the amount of sugar in the diets of young people during their peak in the 1990s. “We made people think sugar is cool, but it really, really, really isn’t”, she says in a video on Instagram.
And if you don’t know what to make of that, well, Conservative politician Jacob Rees-Mogg has agreed that the Sugababes’ influence on the health of people who grew up in the 90s is shocking. So you should be shocked. Plus there are concerns that people could once again be put at risk as the group’s original line-up continues their resurgence.
“I just want to address a few things I’ve seen online about me, as loads of you have messaged me about what’s happening with me and the band”, says Buena in her apology video. “Now I want to apologise. For ages, I’ve been accidentally promoting sugar by being a member of the globally successful band that has the word sugar in [its name]”.
“We made people think sugar was cool, but it really, really, really isn’t”, she goes on. “And you know what? I get it now. Sugar is not cool, and now I can confirm I am a changed woman. So I hope you find it in your hearts to forgive me, and once again I am truly sorry”.
It’s not clear if the band will now change their name - perhaps back to MKS, which they used for a while when another iteration of the group was still performing as Sugababes.
Actually, it is clear, they will not, because obviously none of this is real. It’s all part of a promotional campaign for fruit infused sparkling water brand Dash Water.
You know, it’s one of those companies that sells water, but tries to make it seem more fun by adding fruit flavours to it. What flavours are available? It’s not important. The lack of sugar in these things generally means that every single flavour should just be listed as ‘disappointment’.
Water is fine just water flavoured. It should be plain water or it should be stuffed full of sugar and synthetic flavourings. No infusing, thank you. Stuffing only. Of course, I might just being saying that because I grew up in the 90s and I’m so influenced by the Sugababes.
Oh wait, didn’t I already say that this was all made up? Sure, I did. But I haven’t told you about the graph yet. I really should have told you about the graph. There is a graph. And Jacob Rees-Mogg has seen that graph. So we know it’s definitely a graph.
As well as forcing Mutya Buena to apologise for her role in making kids unhealthy, the drinks company also sent someone to raise the issue with MP for North East Somerset, Jacob Rees-Mogg. At a secretly filmed meeting, the politician was presented with the full findings of a study into the Sugababes’ influence on sugar intake.
Those “full findings” were basically a man saying that a thing had happened while waving a graph that just looks like he quickly printed off an example of what a graph might look like. Still, Rees-Mogg is told it’s a graph showing the consumption of sugar against the sales of Sugababes records. And let me tell you, those two lines look pretty in sync with each other. “Fascinating”, he says, as he looks at the sheet in front of him.
“There’s an increasing awareness of the issues related to sugar and the consumption of sugars”, adds Dash’s undercover reporter. “There’s certain brands and products and even groups, for example the Sugababes - having a group of young women who appeal to young people being called the Sugababes and glamourising sugar in this way I think could really be contributing to the consumption of sugar”.
“I grew up in the 90s and I remember how big the Sugababes were and how much of a cultural impact they had for people of my generation”, he adds.
Rees-Mogg, meanwhile, admits that he’s “never heard of them”. Nonetheless though, he agrees that what he’s been told is “relevant and important”. But he says, “the question is, what do you actually do about it?”
That question hangs in the air unanswered, but our prankster then says that he believes that one day people will look back at the Sugababes as they do the Marlboro Man.
So I think it’s clear what needs to be done. Probably nothing, right? I mean, we already know this is just a prank. And even if it wasn’t, while it’s true we’re seeing some pretty shocking statistics about childhood obesity right now, the kids of today aren’t listening to the Sugababes. It probably would have made more sense if they’d done all this with Suga from BTS. Or maybe Saweetie.
Maybe we need to put together a graph showing Dash’s marketing budgets versus how committed to a joke its marketing team is even when it kind of doesn’t work. I’m not even sure that would work as a graph, but I am willing to show it to a politician, if necessary.
Now, here are some other amusing music news stories we found this week…
Hesher Keenan
Tom Skinner