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UK Eurovision hopefuls unveiled

By | Published on Tuesday 23 February 2016

Eurovision 2016

This Friday the UK public will decide which of six quite boring songs we’re going to send forth to lose the Eurovision Song Contest for us in May. It’s all part of the BBC’s plan to shift the blame for that inevitable failure onto us, the people, despite it presenting us with very little choice.

All six songs are roughly the same in tone, though if they were members of The Spice Girls they would be nicknamed Piano-y, Reggae-y, Folk-y, Weep-y, Country-y, and Heavily Layered Vocals In An Attempt To Make The Chorus Rousing-y. And I think we can all agree that those would be terrible nicknames for members of The Spice Girls, thus proving my point that none of these are very good songs.

The actual names of the outfits set to sing these songs are: Joe & Jake, who met while individually auditioning for ‘The Voice’; Bianca, who used to be in girl group Parade; Dulcima, a duo of former (and future) buskers from Canterbury; Matthew James, who used to be in Bad Boys Inc; Darline, whose first gig was supporting The Shires; and Karl William Lund, who has been to Greece.

You can listen to all six tracks here. You will then be forced (if you choose to participate, I guess) to pick one as a ‘winner’ this Friday on ‘Eurovision: You Decide!’, which begins at 7.30pm on BBC Four. The 90 minute show will be broadcast live from The Forum in London and will be presented by Mel Giedroyc. In an attempt to make it all a little less depressing, there will also be performances from last year’s winner Måns Zelmerlöw and the last UK Eurovision victor, Katrina And The Waves.