Beef Of The Week #433: Beyonce's clothes v Ed Sheeran's clothes

INT. CORRIDOR BACKSTAGE AT CONCERT VENUE - LATE AFTERNOON ED Oh right, I thought you were just complimenting her hair. BEYONCE Did you even listen to that album? ED I suppose having good hair differentiated her from all the other Beckys. BEYONCE What other Beckys? ED What? Oh, I think they're calling us. BEYONCE I didn't hear anything. ED Um, maybe we should get into our outfits anyway. BEYONCE Good idea. I need to make sure everything's... perfect. ED Ha ha. I can't wait to see what you've put together. FADE OUT SFX: DISTANT CROWD NOISE FADE IN BEYONCE Ed! I thought you were going to get ready! ED I did! BEYONCE You look exactly the same as when I left you. Have you even moved? ED Is that what you're wearing? BEYONCE Yeah, Ed, this is what I'm wearing. I thought I'd make an effort, you know? ED I know what you mean. You have to look good for stuff like this. BEYONCE I'm still not convinced you've left this spot. ED What do you mean? This is a whole new outfit. I even changed my underwear. To be honest, I had to. BEYONCE I don't want to know. But you're not going to go on stage like that, are you? ED What do you mean? I always go on stage like this. BEYONCE Yeah, but usually you're on your own. And that thing where you look like one of your own fans who's just walked onto the stage by mistake is almost cute. But look at me, Ed. Look how tall I've made my shoulders. ED Yeah, they kind of look like wings. BEYONCE You're fucking right they look like wings, Ed. Big fucking pink wings. You haven't even done your hair... or fucking shaved even! ED This is my 'look'! This is how people will expect me to be dressed. They might not know it's me if I change into something else. BEYONCE Edward Christopher Sheeran, did you dress like that when you got your MBE from the Queen? ED Prince Charles gave me my MBE. BEYONCE It doesn't matter Ed. What did you wear? ED A suit. BEYONCE That's right. A fucking suit. And did Prince Charles not know who you were because you weren't wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt over a long-sleeved t-shirt? ED I think he had my name written on his hand. BEYONCE Shut up, Ed. Just go and get changed. ED I don't have anything else except the stuff I was wearing before. And I spilled some baked beans on that other t-shirt. And I really can't put those pants back on. ED Look, it doesn't matter. Everyone will just see me exactly as they expect. They'll be looking at you anyway. I mean, you're Beyonce. And your shoulders really are massive. I don't think anyone will even comment on my clothes. CUT TO: INT. ON STAGE AT FNB STADIUM, JOHANNESBURG - NIGHT BEYONCE Maybe if I get one of my giant shoulders across him it'll look like we're wearing matching outfits. ED I'M SINGING WITH BEYONCE! Overlay news headlines: "Ed Sheeran got criticised for underdressing for Beyonce duet at festival" "Ed Sheeran's VERY casual appearance on stage next to a glamorous Beyonce during Mandela concert sparks furious row on Twitter" "People are angry Ed Sheeran wore a t-shirt while Beyonce wore couture during their Global Citizen performance" "Beyonce Ed Sheeran and our expectations of men and women" "These pictures of Beyonce and Ed Sheeran have sparked a massive debate about double standards" CUT TO: INT. CORRIDOR BACKSTAGE AT FNB STADIUM, JOHANNESBURG - NIGHT ED See, I don't think anyone even noticed. Anyway, they'll all be talking about the great job we've done for charity. No one would possibly overlook all that charity work just to tweet about what clothes we were wearing. And if someone does, I'll joke about it on Instagram. Then everyone will remember to focus on the charity thing again. BEYONCE I hope you're right, Ed. For all our sakes, I hope you're right. FADE OUT. END.